Laos

After a glorious sunrise over the Mekong, we crossed the border into Laos across the Friendship Bridge. There are currently four such friendship bridges linking the two countries with a fifth about to open in 2025. Laos means “Land of a Million Elephants”. Quite a lot for a small word.

Once in Laos, the minibus stopped at a currency exchange kiosk to get some Laotian Kip. It’s a closed currency therefore none of us had any before arriving. There are 27,500 kip to the pound and I ended up with a couple of million. They don’t have coins in Laos. Their notes are 500, 1,000, 2,000, 5,000, 10,000, 20,000, 50,000, and 100,000. If you have the full set of eight notes it would be equal to £6.88.

Laos is one of only five communist countries left in the world, and the most recent to adopt the philosophy of Marx and Lenin. It was December 1975 when the monarchy was abolished and the last king, Sisavang Vatthana was sent to a re-education camp. He died three years later.

From there we headed for the river to board a boat for two days cruising down the Mekong. The boat was about 100 ft long and 8 ft wide and could hold many more people, but we had it to ourselves. Our journey was 300 km to Luang Prabang roughly split in half with a stop in Pakbeng.

The scenery wasn’t what I was expecting, but it was rather stunning nonetheless. There were many obstacles and hazards in the river and I understood why the boats didn’t travel in the dark. Every now and then a skinny speedboat would race past with some passengers. The driver wore a crash helmet. The passengers did not. Talking of crash helmets, this was a bit weird.

Pakbeng was the perfect stopover and there were numerous guesthouses for the tourists arriving on boats. The group had a mosey around the town and I saw my first tray of fried rats. I lost my appetite. I had upgraded to a nicer hotel as soon as I heard the word “dormitory”. It was super. The others were less fortunate with no water.

We left early for our second day on the Mekong – Friday floating. Once again the scenery on the river journey was highly enjoyable. Six hours in and we reached Pak Ou Caves for a brief stop. Kit, our Laotian guide had bigged them up a bit too much. As Michael said, they were the D- of caves. I think he was being generous. To reach the upper cave there were 172 steps and the effort really wasn’t worth it.

After being rather disappointed with the caves, we reached our destination – the ancient capital of Laos, Luang Prabang, where we had a three night stay. Only 55,000 people live there, but there were an awful lot of tourists.

Our Saturday morning activities started at 5 am and involved giving alms to the monks from five local temples. I decided not to partake and just observed. I’m glad I did. It was rather too touristy. I counted 353 small plastic chairs neatly lined up. The monks emerged around 6 am and went along the line collecting a small amount of rice from each person. Some of the novice monks can’t have been more than 8 years old. The monks had been turned into a tourist attraction which I wasn’t comfortable with. I don’t suppose they were either.

The group went off to a waterfall, however I wanted to look around Luang Prabang, so I did. Highly enjoyable morning walking along the riverfront with all the cafes, bars, restaurants, and guesthouses. Luang Prabang is located on the confluence of two rivers – the Mekong and the Nam Khan. I also climbed Phusi Mountain to see the views which were well worth the entry fee.

I treated myself to a late afternoon foot massage, (£4.37 for 60 minutes), before watching the sunset from the riverfront on my own.

The next morning I decided to do my own thing again. Team Intrepid were off to walk with elephants. I’ve done elephants. I’ve fed them, seen them in the wild, stroked them, even made a greeting card out of elephant dung, so I didn’t need to do any more elephant things unless riding one was an option. It wasn’t.

I decided to go to the Kuang Si waterfall that the group had done the day before, only I went early to avoid the crowds. I hadn’t realised just how famous they were. It was picture postcard material. Cascade after cascade offering fabulous photo opportunities, and then the big one. Not huge, but big enough in comparison to the others. Then I saw some steps offering a fabulous view – 543 of them. I was lured into the climb by the promise of a fabulous view. And? Very disappointing considering the effort I’d put in. The saving grace was a series of zip lines back down and I was the first and only customer by the look of it. I went off with two guides and had a fabulous time in the trees on my private zip line tour. The longest was 352 metres. Great fun.

In the evening I dined at the same pizza restaurant only this time joined by some of the others. Then I had my third leg massage in a week. They had transported me over 400,000 steps in February. They deserved it.

Laos is the only landlocked country in Southeast Asia with a population of 7.6 million. Whilst vaping is illegal, children under 10 seem to be able to ride scooters, without helmets, with their friends on the back. Unlike India, there is no tooting from motorists. None.

We left Luang Prabang on the high-speed train that the Chinese built a few years ago. I say high-speed – it reached 160 kmh or 100 mph. Not that fast when compared to Shanghai’s Maglev train which reaches 431 kmh. Good for Laos though. There were more tunnels than views on the 60 minute journey. They were very strict about what you could take on the train. Nothing sharp, so I had to leave my wit behind 🤣. And no aerosols or flammable materials. I pointed out that all of my luggage was “flammable” given the right amount of provocation. The restrictions were apparently due to a scissor wielding Chinese man attacking someone a few years ago.

In Vang Vieng I had chosen to stay at the Riverside Boutique Hotel for two nights. All the others were not far down the road in less salubrious accommodation. I’d seen this hotel in a magazine some years ago and it was what sparked my interest in Laos. Sadly the weather was a tad less than shit for my two night stay.

Tuesday I awoke to rain which was forecast for the whole day. I was in the best hotel in Vang Vieng and I wasn’t going to be able to sample the pool and sun loungers. I’d not seen the merest hint of rain for a month, since leaving England. It was also the first time that the “group hotel” had possessed a pool so this was a shared disappointment.

I quickly decided that the best thing to do that morning was to stay in my sumptuous temporary dwelling. By lunchtime the lure of the outside world had turned into cabin fever, and I took advantage of the umbrella in the closet. I walked around for a few hours walking over some ramshackle bridges spanning the Mekong. These bridges would not pass building regulations anywhere in the civilised world.

Later on I found a cave that required some serious step climbing. It was just about worth the effort, but it was a close run thing.

The following morning I joined the others for a two hour minibus ride to Vientiane, the capital city of Laos. It lies very close to the Thai border and once again the Mekong River forms the dividing line. We had a new guide called Ki who took us on a walking tour of some of the delights of the city. I managed to go along with his agenda for at least 90 minutes before going rogue. A temple (no surprise there), followed by Laos’s equivalent of the Arc de Triomphe, called Patuxay Park.

Early evening I found the night market which was suitably laid back – no pushy vendors. This was the last evening of the tour so we dined as a group with only two absentees. One of the best things about Laos is a large bottle of lager (more than a pint) costs £1.46.

On Thursday the others were drifting off at various times. My departure was one of the latest, so I chose to see some of the sights I’d missed the day before. It was a thoroughly rewarding morning trotting around solo, in beautiful sunshine.

Late afternoon I headed for the station for an overnight train back to Bangkok. Vientiane station doesn’t get a lot of trains so it was relatively empty. Quite the contrast from Delhi. It was modern and clean if not a little soulless. There were two clocks on the platform, both showing different times, and neither of them the right time. Only a few minutes out in each case, but not what you’d expect at a station.

I managed to have an argument with a train guard because he saw my disposable vape (no cigars in three weeks). He actually put his hand in my pocket to remove it. That was it. I wrestled it off him and went in search of the border guards. Vapes are illegal and carry a fine. The altercation involved seven of us in the end. Three border guards, three train guards, and one indignant Englishman defending his exclusive right to his trouser pocket wanting his £6 grape vape back. It was duly returned and I boarded the train before the fuzz turned up.

Then it was a 30 minute train ride to the Thai border for passports before a 12 hour ride to Bangkok. Please don’t let me do the communal overnight train ride again. If I ever mention it, like it’s a good thing, please perform an intervention. That’s three in a month and I’m over them. They sound somewhat exotic departing from one place and arriving at another, with transportation arranged, during slumber. In reality they are a one star hotel room with a substandard mattress, on a bed that’s dimensionally challenged, in a shared space with strangers, and no trouser press.

The others in the group were good value. I enjoyed talking with Michael. He and his wife Betsy split their time between Florida and New Jersey. Michael was a cop for 30 years and has over 16,000 vinyl records. Simon from Melbourne was good fun. Always ready to laugh and pretty knowledgeable about things that are interesting. At 25, Meredith was the youngster of the group. Initially we thought she may have booked the wrong trip. It turned out that she liked hanging out with older folk. That was Anne, (82), travelling with her daughter Karen. True adventurers and often off doing their own thing. Natalie from NZ grew up on a farm with 10,000 sheep. She wouldn’t stop bleating about it.

Laos done, let the next adventure commence.